Recruitment Consultants beware! Your crap will no longer be tolerated.

Signing up to a recruitment agency can at first seem to be a good way to save yourself some time. Generally I think this is probably true. But every now and then you’ll get a guy who won’t reveal any details regarding the role he has in mind for you or you’ll get the one that hasn’t even read your CV and would like to know if you’re ready to begin managing a large IT team at £70k a year.

Sometimes, maybe, you’ll get Jerome. I won’t say where he’s from but you’ll probably spot him coming a mile away. Below is some correspondence between myself and The Wordsmith.

Hello James,

I hope that you had a great Easter and received many an egg. I am writing to you today with a view to advertising a Front-End development position in an ecommerce venture in Central London…………………

I have not once in my life stumbled upon a company with the potency and clear vision of this company, the venture is based just south of the river, a resplendent beacon of excellence, juxtaposed by the Tate modern, with her grotesque facade and drab art installations. The ecommerce company have always held a certain air of mystery, indeed, they are seldom beaten by their market leading competitors and have a history of working alongside some of the most pre-eminent diamond mining and marketing companies as well as for leading fashion houses. They are closely linked to Avenue Montaigne in Paris, yet…… Very few people have ever heard of them. Their intrigue is heightened by the fact that they are listed on the 2010 Times top Tech 100 list of fastest growing IT companies.

It is always a pleasure to work with such clients, and I am certain that a good front-end developer will have the same positive experience of working on their dynamic web builds.

Currently they are looking for a developer with strong HTML and CSS skills as well as with Javascripting ability. The correct candidate will have at least 2 years of experience of working as a front end developer, with a strong portfolio of work that they have carried out. They need somebody to start immediately and have every intention to take on a developer. They offer an Apple iMac to successful candidates as well as a laptop and other such niceties. If you are skilled, they will offer you up to £35K per annum.

So, if you are strong in CSS, HTML and Javascript, then please do not hesitate to contact me as soon as possible

Jerome

My response:

To whoever manages the contactus mailbox,

I’ve received an email from Jerome – see below – which, at first glance, I mistook to be a letter that would eventually lead to a request for a substantial sum of money so that I could, in turn, receive an even more substantial cash payout.
I read on – as I have no money to send to anywhere anyway – and, fool that I am, mistook the email for a job advertisment. However as I refused to be fooled a third time (who becomes the fool the third time? You or me?) I read the email again and discovered it was actually a short story. A thriller to be precise.

In the first paragraph we can see Jerome’s clever use of the exaggerated ellipsis to indicate what I am sure is one of his many unfinished thoughts.
“I am writing to you today with a view to advertising a Front-End development position in an ecommerce venture in Central London…………………” – Genius. Newsnight Review.

In the second paragraph Jerome brings out the big guns, clicks the safety on and puts them neatly aside before opening up his Oxford English Pocket Thesaurus. A smarter man would have simply dismissed this second paragraph as a thesaurical saturnalia (one of those words is real, the other is pointlessly used) but I am an abecedarian and so got both my dictionary and thesaurus out of my pockets. Pockets which are now stretched beyond use for anything else because though the books are labelled “pocket” they are in fact for much larger pockets than any human would have. Pocket!

From the start Jerome builds up improbably beautiful imagery in the mind of the reader. He makes the reader believe he or she could be standing among the old, red tiled houses of Florence when in fact they are actually running from skateboard wielding children on London’s dull grey South Bank.
“I have not once in my life stumbled upon a company with the potency and clear vision of this company, the venture is based just south of the river, a resplendent beacon of excellence, juxtaposed by the Tate modern, with her grotesque facade and drab art installations.” 10 out of 10. Golfers Anorak Monthly.

Once Jerome has his audiences mind opened to the possibilities that the potent South Bank offers he opens a second door to the imagination. What is behind this door? Well, we cannot see because the door is a jar. A ridiculous object to use for a door you might think but if history has taught us anything it’s that word play is funny. Really funny. But enough of this nonsense. Jerome is about to reveal details about this super-spy organisation based somewhere on London’s dullest, drab backdrop.
“The ecommerce company have always held a certain air of mystery, indeed, they are seldom beaten by their market leading competitors and have a history of working alongside some of the most pre-eminent diamond mining and marketing companies as well as for leading fashion houses.” Where’s my Harry Potter book? Some teenager in Wirral.

Diamond mines, marketing companies and fashion houses. It suddenly becomes clear that Jerome is not recruiting for a government department dedicated to combating the evil doers across the globe but that he is recruiting for C.O.B.R.A, M.A.D or SPECTRE. Or perhaps even, owing to budgetary constraints, all three. Think about it! Diamond mines, marketing companies and fashion houses! Rich, evil and well dressed terrorists lurking amongst the good people of London.
As if to drive his point home Jerome goes on to name an associate. The Avenue Montaigne. A name which I do not understand and so must clearly be evil.
“They are closely linked to Avenue Montaigne in Paris, yet…… Very few people have ever heard of them.” The desert left a lot to be desired. The London Guide to Good Eating in London.

I’ll leave the rest as it’s quite dull and to the point. However, I will say that if Jerome had taken a moment to read my CV he would have seen that I do not have 2 years experience working as a front end developer. In fact everyone knows I prefer to develop the back-end.

I won’t even touch the subject line of “FIRE! Front End developer required, £35K London FIRE!”. I do not have the energy left in me to describe how incomprehensibly daft that line is.

Jerome I hope you find my commentary as funny as I found your email.

Regards,
James Smith

Jerome:

Hi James,

Thank you so very much for your somewhat convoluted vignette of a response, reading it was reminiscent of a of scene from la farce de maitre Pierre Pathelin…… (The scene where Pierre Pathelin play-acts as a madman in an attempt to obfuscate his underlying sanity, going on to inveigle his cloaks from the drapier. Balivernes is the word used in France to describe such rhetoric.)

I do recruit for back end developers, are you well versed in PHP?

Best

Jerome

My last response:

Jerome,

I wish you all the worst in what I hope is a life that decides it has no further need to cross paths with my own. It is difficult to tell whether you are fraud or fool. Either way you have a complete inability to use obscure words – known outright or not – in their correct setting.

Good luck recruiting for the South Bank Spy School.

James.

P.S. Always proofread.

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4 Responses to Recruitment Consultants beware! Your crap will no longer be tolerated.

  1. An Annoying Git says:

    The irony in your last statement being that you spelt “dessert” wrong.

    • James says:

      I’m so ashamed. I’ll never live this down. But I will forget about it for the next hour and a half, during the second half of Uncaged Monkeys.

  2. Steve says:

    Thank you for cheering me up.

    Having never met Jerome I still feel confident that I can answer the question you pose in your final response – he is both a fraud and a fool, like all recruitment agency staff. Sadly I have yet to meet one that appreciates the difference between dealing with a person’s career and the selling of conservatories/perfume/houses etc.

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